There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
