I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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