Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
