She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
