I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
