I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
