i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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