My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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