Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
