i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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