Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
