new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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