Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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