Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Mom said you looked used
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
