I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
