anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
