Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
