You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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