I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
