You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
