you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
