At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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