Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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