make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
