I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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