Dual....:-)
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
