im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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