Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
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She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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My dick has a subreddit
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize