Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
