god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
