Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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