Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
