I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
