my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
