I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
someone owes me an orgasm
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
