if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
