Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dear god my vagina.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
