Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
