I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
