I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
In America we eat man semen.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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