Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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