can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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