you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
