Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Green mimosas i think yes
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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