I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
