How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
