tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Enjoy the penises
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
