Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
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There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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