At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
