The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
