Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
