I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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