somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My liver just broke up with me...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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