Texts From Last Night

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  (540): View more from Virginia

  you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.

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  (540): you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level. http://tfl.nu/ek4x
  Replies (2) Good night (1741) Bad night (578)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?

  (989): View more from Michigan

  I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own

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  (810): If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore? (989): I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own http://tfl.nu/vduq
  Replies (24) Good night (2675) Bad night (770)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  where are my pants?

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm

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  (219): where are my pants? (1-219): you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm http://tfl.nu/h936
  Replies (14) Good night (4976) Bad night (814)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.

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  (303): She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it. http://tfl.nu/nwdc
  Replies (6) Good night (2961) Bad night (982)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

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  (407): hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate http://tfl.nu/k1eh
  Replies (3) Good night (2626) Bad night (768)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"

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  (334): Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick" http://tfl.nu/pihf
  Replies (12) Good night (2760) Bad night (999)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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  (352): I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle. http://tfl.nu/6oed
  Replies (15) Good night (3472) Bad night (848)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  Sounds like the perfect vacation

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  (609): My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days (1-609): Sounds like the perfect vacation http://tfl.nu/rgtv
  Replies (1) Good night (1410) Bad night (1247)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

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  (903): All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed. http://tfl.nu/pos0
  Replies (3) Good night (2233) Bad night (686)
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  (805): View more from California

  It's like a toaster oven for my penis

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  (805): It's like a toaster oven for my penis http://tfl.nu/6tvc
  Replies (7) Good night (1019) Bad night (569)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  Touche salesman.

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  (402): You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less. (1-402): Touche salesman. http://tfl.nu/st32
  Replies (2) Good night (1207) Bad night (582)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.

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  (250): Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear. http://tfl.nu/ufbe
  Replies (1) Good night (719) Bad night (420)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets

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  (678): when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets http://tfl.nu/rbr4
  Replies (3) Good night (978) Bad night (393)
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  (323): View more from California

  My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.

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  (323): My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job. http://tfl.nu/hsg6
  Replies (0) Good night (676) Bad night (257)
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.

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  (804): Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person. http://tfl.nu/iaef
  Replies (2) Good night (529) Bad night (310)

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