And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
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and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
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From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy