My first STD was from a foam party
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
