I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
