i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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