I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
